spokesNspin

I recently saw an article on the Internet about how video games have been connected to urinals in men’s rest rooms.  The point being that with proper aim you can compete at a higher level whilst you relieve yourself.

 My how far we have come from just trying to hit the pink urinal puck.  Yes those little odor control cakes were quite the novelty for a farm boy.  

Not that turning peeing into a contest is anything new for boys.   As little boys growing up on a farm, we invented more variations on that game than there are statistics for baseball.

Yes the term “pissing contest”  was very real and literal for us.  And since we were on the farm we weren’t obligated to keeping the game to a strictly indoor contest.  

To help you writers of mommy blogs to understand what may be going on and solve the perplexing dilemma of those unexplainable stains and to give my grandson some ideas for game playing, let me educate everyone on the variations and finer points of taking a leak as a competitive sport.

I do want to be helpful.

The simplest and most basic peeing contest is seeing who can make the biggest and best puddle.  This of course is strictly a rural/outdoor contest.  There are two aspects to winning this game.  The first being simply the luck of the draw in bladder volume.   Sorry boys, like some other things in life you only got what you got.   No matter what you see on late night TV there ain’t nothing going to make it bigger.  Holding it until your teeth are floating will help somewhat but won’t make you a major contender. 

There is a certain skill in site selection.  The best puddle is created on a site where enough of the proper type of farm traffic has traveled to not pack  the dirt but turn it into a thick layer of light as flour dust.  On such a spot, a very self satisfying foaming puddle can be created from even the smallest bladders.

Basic sword play is another contest.  For those of you who lack imagination think of this as something akin to a contest with star wars type light sabers with fluid as the laser and the wand is your… well I think you get the idea.

The object here is to stand side by side at a slight angle to your competitor and allow your streams to criss cross.  The winner is the one who lasts the longest.  This game has both an indoor and outdoor version.

The indoor event is more of a duathlon type of contest. The first being the sprint from the basement to the upstairs bathroom where you immediately drop your pjs to your ankles and engage your competitor.  Penalty points are assessed for hitting the edge of the toilet bowl.   Double penalty points are assessed for missing completely.

The problem with this game is the wrath of your mother.  I don’t know what her problem was.  We never failed to lift up the lid.

The outdoor event required another skill set.  That being the ability to maintain proper direction and constant stream flow while quickly moving your feet in a dancing fashion so your brother wouldn’t pee on your pant leg. 

The best game by far was called sister’s shoe.  The idea here is to see who could hit sister’s shoe from the greatest distance.  This contest requires the most complete set of skills  and should only be attempted by  very experienced players.

The successful player will of course have physical abilities to maintain maximum sustainable flow, pressure and expert eye hand coordination.  But master players also have a firm grasp (no pun intended) on higher principles of physics, civil engineering, ballistics and fluid dynamics.

Have I ever mentioned that my brother eventually earned a Ph.D in Civil Engineering with an emphasis on water treatment facilities and water conveyance systems?  He is now in charge of a water modeling lab at a consulting firm.   I wonder what goes on behind those doors.

Marksmanship improvement and general practice in a noncompetitive environment for any of the above mentioned games can be had by finding a chicken coop and annoying the laying hens.

Unlike the usual warning of  “Don’t Try This at Home Kids”, peeing contests are best only tried at home or in secluded lots and woods and certainly not in public rest rooms.  Playing games in public rest rooms will, as a minimum, result in a reprimand and could just as easily lead to arrest and public humiliation for you and your family. 

Just ask Senator Larry Craig.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 1:20 am and is filed under Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.